clueless

It's 2.27pm and here I am churning up the presentation deck for tomorrow's meeting, sipping my left over morning coffee and listening to some tracks by Van Hunt. The heat outside is slowly piercing the cold in the office and I just love the temperature right now. Perfect for me to blog.

Though I'm occupied with work but my mind cant stop thinking over the revelation made by Mr.Rockstar few days ago. It's hurtful, yet amusing. I laughed at first, but the pain slowly creeping up and I'm just clueless on how to react on it.

Close colleague of mine is starting on stories that Mr.Rockstar has a crush on her and to be honest, I was not surprised. I saw the reaction from her for the past few weeks and my assumption turned out to be true. Instead, its the other way around. I felt like this close acquaintance has a crush on Mr.Rockstar and yet telling others that its the other way around. I'm thankful that Mr.Rockstar revealed it to me and I appreciate his honesty. He jumped when I started teasing him and he said this is not a funny matter. He is serious about it and I was laughing. I felt bad. To be frank, the laughing was just to cover the smallest molecule of pain that I felt at that time.

Am I in pain? Maybe its not pain, but its fear that i'm feeling. Fear that I might loose him. Fear of failing in a relationship again. Fear of not being with him. Too many fears, I just kept quiet. Perhaps its jealousy? Fraction of my feelings controlled my emotions at that time and the inner voice just kept saying "so be it".

I kept telling myself not to bother much about it but I cant help it when I look at him and I started to think about all the potential "What if" situation. So, yes, I'm clueless...